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| So I go through these periods, right, where I realize that if I want to lose weight, I really can't rely on other people to help or encourage me. I need to do this by myself if I want to do it at all. Last night, I took a step and went to the gym by myself--it was semi-frightening, but once I was walking and listening to the TV, it was okay.
And today, I ruined it by eating chicken tenders and potato wedges from a school cafeteria. I would have gone for something healthier, except for the fact that I am a college student running low on cash--more so that I normally am, actually, despite just getting paid today. So I usually opt for the "meal deals" that are the food options that basically take regular food and add a drink and make it cost less. Problem being: it's food that isn't that good for you. So today, for example, chicken tenders and potato wedges and soda. Ugh. Like, 1000 calories on that alone. It sucks. So I get disappointed rather easily that I am breaking new habits I am trying to acquire. Hopefully I will get to the gym tonight, again, and tomorrow, as well. *sigh* I'm trying. It just sucks when other things make it difficult to succeed.
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| *sigh*
So. Tonight is the Vagina Monologues. I am terrified and really excited. I think it will be awesome. :)
Kim told me that Abacus found out she was Emma's sister, so she's probably going to get fired or moved. It makes sense in a theoretical way to me, that Emma might show favoritism, but at the same time, she's already worked for Emma for months and doesn't get special treatment--in fact, she works MORE because of it--so I don't know why it's an issue. I don't want her to leave me at work. :( Maybe it's selfish of me, but I like the relaxed atmosphere I work with her in. I don't want to work with someone all uptight and always on me...it would create more anxiety than I already experience. Also, I hope that if she DOES move, it is just a move and that she's not fired. She so can't afford to be fired. This news has actually already really upset my internal emotional balance, as I worry about working and getting fired during our last week of probation and whether or not it will be stricter or more difficult working without Kim, and whether or not I'll have to find a new job, because I can't afford to be fired either. This fucking whomps, dude.
Also got paired with the one person in my women's studies class I did NOT want to be paired with. He just talks a lot and is really opinionated. Not that I'm not, but I don't think two really opinionated people work together well. :/
Something else, but I forget. Just worry. Always always always worry. :(
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| So I really don't know where Kim and I stand right now. We seemed to be getting along quite well on Halloween, and I try not to mention the couch people at all in conversations with her. Her bf is visiting this week, and this weekend, the supposed-NY weekend, I did the scavenger hunt at school. Lost, but still. I made a facebook status about joining a group for points for the hunt, asking people to join. She commented "No =]" on the status, and then deleted it so I couldn't see it....but my email had sent me a notification that included the text of her comment.
So did she post it because she was saying no in a "No, I'm not joining this group that will help people I don't really like win money" way and then delete it because she realized I might interpret it that way and it would hurt my feelings? Or did she mean it in a "No, I'm not joining another pointless group that is simply trying to get numbers for something" way? I don't know, and I'm paranoid about it.
Also I think my therapist thinks I'm an alcoholic because I suck at estimating and said that I drink, like, 10 drinks in a night, when really it's like 5. Ish. I will probably tell her, but it will seem like I am making excuses, so whatever.
And I am exhausted. I am still on campus, wanting to do homework and stuff, and I just want to fall asleep. I think I'll try, but I don't know how far I'll actually get.
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| And this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
And now I need to not break down crying (again) at the couches.
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| It's never just between two people, is it? There are always others involved, and it always turns into some big story.
I feel like my life is a soap opera; I am a character and the world is the audience, waiting for new facts to be revealed to throw my emotions into some kind of overthrow.
How wonderful.
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