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| So I really don't know where Kim and I stand right now. We seemed to be getting along quite well on Halloween, and I try not to mention the couch people at all in conversations with her. Her bf is visiting this week, and this weekend, the supposed-NY weekend, I did the scavenger hunt at school. Lost, but still. I made a facebook status about joining a group for points for the hunt, asking people to join. She commented "No =]" on the status, and then deleted it so I couldn't see it....but my email had sent me a notification that included the text of her comment.
So did she post it because she was saying no in a "No, I'm not joining this group that will help people I don't really like win money" way and then delete it because she realized I might interpret it that way and it would hurt my feelings? Or did she mean it in a "No, I'm not joining another pointless group that is simply trying to get numbers for something" way? I don't know, and I'm paranoid about it.
Also I think my therapist thinks I'm an alcoholic because I suck at estimating and said that I drink, like, 10 drinks in a night, when really it's like 5. Ish. I will probably tell her, but it will seem like I am making excuses, so whatever.
And I am exhausted. I am still on campus, wanting to do homework and stuff, and I just want to fall asleep. I think I'll try, but I don't know how far I'll actually get.
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| And this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
And now I need to not break down crying (again) at the couches.
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| It's never just between two people, is it? There are always others involved, and it always turns into some big story.
I feel like my life is a soap opera; I am a character and the world is the audience, waiting for new facts to be revealed to throw my emotions into some kind of overthrow.
How wonderful.
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| I really do wonder why I try, sometimes, when it doesn't matter. It never works. I'm not going anywhere but straight down the road to lonely old women with cats. I won't even have any interesting stories to tell the other old people.
Also, everyone is depressed. What the fuck. I'm kind of tired of it. People being depressed and omg we have to be careful what we say or do. People being loud about things that no one really cares about any more. Everything. Life. Get me out of it.
What's the point in ever trying? No one's listening anyway.
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| I feel like my life is lived in between.
In between friends, who used to be friends with each other and are now just friends with me. Who were never friends with each other and are just friends with me and wouldn't get along with each other.
In between growing up and grown up, struggling against the latter and clinging desperately to the former, not quite ready to let go.
In between Mom and Dad, because they used to be friends and now they just pretend, but I'm a common element that they can rail against.
In between decisions, knowing what I should do and not wanting to do it, but not knowing what I really want to do.
In between desires, wanting to go forward, make a move, run away, try new things, but hanging back, scared of failure, of hitting rock bottom.
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